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If you’re like me, yule hate Christmas

By River Reporter Dec 6, 2013

Bright, colourful lights blinding you from every corner, horrible music everywhere you go, and people wearing ridiculous jumpers and running around like headless chickens.

Constant flows of empty compliments fill the air, and for some reason, the headless chickens want nothing more than to sell you things you will probably never use.

This is how I feel when it is Christmas time – which effectively means October.

Every year, I try to ignore the warning signs of Christmas starting earlier than last year: the Santa Clauses on the Cola bottles, George Michael’s voice floating in the background of a shop, and reindeer jumpers being hung up in the corners of Primark.

Halloween is over, and next thing I know I’m watching Home Alone for the millionth time.

And then the apocalypse arrives in the shape of corny Christmas CDs.

Nothing irritates my eardrums more than Mariah Carey and her stupid song about wanting nothing but love underneath her Christmas tree.

Yeah, so there’s just empty space under your five-metre Christmas tree in your enormous Hollywood mansion, is there Mariah?

What bothers me most is not only the unnecessary stress of wasting money on Christmas socks or DVD box sets, but how people pretend they’re jolly.

Smiles look more forced than those on Miss Universe contestants, and shop assistants shouting, ‘have a good day!’ makes me miss the nine other months of the year when people don’t smile unless they have a pint of beer in their hands.

Now, I know you might think I am the most cynical person in the world – but trust me, I too can be quite jolly.

What people don’t know is that I used to love Christmas when I was a kid. Because back then I didn’t get presents for no reason, listen to George Michael or wear extremely itchy reindeer jumpers.

When I was young I celebrated Christmas in Kenya. The best gift I could receive back then was spending time with the people I loved.

What I dislike about Christmas is the fact that people have forgotten what Christmas is all about. Don’t ask me though, for I’ve forgotten too.

After all, I’m just a Grinch.

A Grinch who will never understand how anyone can listen to Mariah Carey so many times.

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