David Hasselhoff stars as Father Christmas in Nikon COOLPIX Alternate Christmas Photo, Southport, Britain - 30 Nov 2012

Ho ho horrible

A compilation of Christmas albums bad enough to make Santa weep

You know those Christmas songs that are so awfully cringe-worthy you actually find them quite enjoyable? Well, these are not among them.

This list of dreadful holiday albums encapsulate all the worst bits of the festive season: the phoney, plastic, pretentious drivel that will make you want to drown yourself in Santa’s beard.

It is a known fact that artists love to exploit the holiday season, and because most Christmas classics are no longer copyrighted they will presumably be paid enough to survive until, well – next Christmas.

Not that any musicians would like to admit to as much, and they might utter something like: “It’s not about the money, I just want to bring about Christmas happiness and bliss.” Sure. And Santa is real.

Relax, we are not trying to ruin the so-called Christmas spirit, although we will make you throw away that seventh red cup of Starbucks gingerbread latte you have already bought today.

In short, it does not take a Grinch to agree that some of these wailing ballads and whiny vocals could be better left six feet under the Christmas tree.

What is your most dreaded Christmas carol? Comment down below.

 

•  Justin Bieber – Under the Mistletoe (2011)

Bieber’s Christmas efforts have sold over a million copies, but that just means that a million people are so, so, so wrong. We can only imagine how happy he must be to get to duet with self-pronounced “Christmas queen”, Mariah Carey, but together they end up being our very worst nightmare (before Christmas). It is probably best to leave Bieber alone under that mistletoe.

 

•  William Hung – Hung for the Holidays (2004)

First of all; this must be the world’s most unfortunate album title. We get that it’s a “pun” on his name, but with the raised suicide rates the holiday actually bring, it ends up being extremely tasteless. Initially this guy did an “inspirational” audition on American Idol, and there was probably some clever industry dude who saw a commercial opportunity. Sadly, it ended up being so bad, it’s just really bad.

 

•  Swinging Cats – Swinging Cats Christmas (2014)

A Christmas album by cats… for cats? Surely this is not meant for human ears. It is quite literally just a series of meows, edited in a data program to fit into a number of generic Christmas songs. Presumably someone got the sublime idea to appeal to all the crazy cat ladies out there and of course the cat-obsessed Internet generation. At least lonely people can feel even lonelier with this one on repeat.

 

•  Jessica Simpson – Happy Christmas (2010)

Oh, Jessica. Whoever told you that you could actually sing? Let alone massacre a bunch of Christmas songs that didn’t do you any harm. While listening through the album it is easy to picture her posing with a sexy duck face in the studio, not to mention the heavy breathing that makes you wonder if she has a medical condition. The worst thing about it is that it is her second Christmas album. Let’s pray there won’t be a third one.

 

•  Cliff Richards – Cliff At Christmas (2003)

The thing about Cliff is that he does not understand how uncomfortable he makes everyone else. As he waves his arms around in the Mistletoe and Wine video you can see how awkward the rest of the choir are, and just how much they dream of escaping to a different continent. The song has also won the prestigious prize of being the most irritating Christmas song ever, and was banned from Costa Coffee for that very reason.

 

•  Various artists – Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

Has the world gone cat crazy? This is thankfully not sung by cats, although it features both the Nyan Cat Theme and a cat presumably playing a keyboard. The rest of the songs are performed by a bunch of indie artists who grabbed the opportunity to join the Grumpy Cat soundtrack in the name of Christmas capitalism.

 

•  David Hasselhoff – The Night before Christmas (2004)

This could never have ended in anything but a disaster. It is just as bad as you would think – and then add the fact that Hasselhoff appears to be completely tone-deaf. Why didn’t anyone tell him? Why? The Baywatch-actor also spent a nauseating amount of time talking about the “essence of Christmas”, which might make you want to throw up your whole Christmas dinner. You have been warned.

 

Happy holidays y’all.

About Anette Lien

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